I want to begin this post by explaining a couple of things.
1 – This blog is about my journey to rebuild my life. So, you might wonder why I have been talking so much about the past. In my opinion, the only way I can truly move forward is to sort through and process the past. Stick with me on this…I won’t be “stuck” in the past for too long.
2 – There are definitely going to be times when I reference my ex or people that were a part of my life. Please understand that it is not my intention to drag anyone’s name through the mud (no matter how much they might deserve it). But honestly, if I had to censor myself, what good would all of this writing be doing for me? As I said, this is MY journey and I won’t apologize for my feelings, my thoughts, and my perceptions.
I thought “Do I know you?” was a good title for this post because I have been thinking quite a bit lately about all of the relationships that have changed over the last two years. Some were abruptly cut off. Some became very hands-off. Some grew very strong. One thing holds true for each of them though – they all changed.
The last time I spoke to P face-to-face was in June of 2014 just before he was reporting to Fort Jackson for a deployment to Afghanistan. I remember, vividly, him saying “Nothing is changing, Mel. I love you, I care about you. We just won’t be married when I get home.” It’s pretty safe to say that EVERYTHING changed. I think I was in such shock and probably pretty naive in that moment. A part of me believed what he was saying, I think. Keep in mind, though, that I had ZERO clue what was really happening to undermine my marriage. Had I known all that was happening, I am sure that conversation would have been much different. Cut-off. That’s what happened. One day I am married. The next day, we have zero communication. Try to imagine what that would be like. All of a sudden, the person I was closest to and thought I knew so much about was a stranger. Overnight. Just like that.
Once that relationship changed, it became a domino effect. Not overnight in many cases, but definitely over time. This entire family that I had gained when I got married went away. Nobody called me. Nobody emailed me. Nobody reached out via social media. I was removed from the Christmas card list. I was cut off. Just like that. Everything I thought I knew about people changed at that point. Now, I am not saying that my family was trying to reach out to him, but there was a reason. The stuff going on behind the scenes, behind my back by my husband, made it difficult for anyone to want to reach out to P. I, on the other hand, was blindsided. So, I am the one who loses the relationships? I guess that’s how this all works. All of a sudden, friends we had as a couple stopped texting or calling. I would get, and I still do, the “we need to do dinner soon” or “let’s meet for drinks”, but in all honesty, not many people follow(ed) through. I get it, to a degree. Divorce is awkward. It’s gross. It makes people feel uncomfortable. But really, people – if it makes you uncomfortable, try being the one going through it. Try being the one who is forced to move out your home. Try being the one who has to deal with lawyers and mediators. Try being the one who has to see your marriage turned into nothing more than a spreadsheet with a list of “things” and numbers. It sucks. Bad. And then to have to try to navigate through your list of family and friends and try to determine who you are “allowed” to talk to, who wants to talk to you, etc when you are at your lowest. Man, I sure learned a lot about people.
So, do I know you? That’s a good question, but I’m not sure it really even matters at this point. Every relationship I had/have that changed was a lesson. I could sit here and try to understand each and every person’s motives behind handling things the way that they did, but it doesn’t matter. And really, it’s not on me. That’s not meant to be mean or harsh. It’s just the truth. We are each responsible for our own behavior and we have to be accountable for the consequences. Over the last two years, my feelings have been crushed by some friends and family, but I have also been abundantly blessed by the friendships with others. And you know what? I’m okay with that…