This post is giving me a bit of anxiety. I think I am fearing some judgment which I suppose means that I should write this post. It’s not going to be fluffy and it might not even be all that eloquent, but I think that’s probably okay because what it will be is raw. And authentic. So, here goes nothin’…
I’ve now been divorced almost a year and a half. Until recently I didn’t even say the word “divorce” because it felt/feels so icky and is laced with shame (for ME.) It screams failure, unworthiness, and pain. I am tired of thinking about it, feeling it, and living the consequences of it. It’s exhausting running the “what ifs” through my mind on a regular basis. I have intense moments of bitterness that then turn to embarrassment for feeling bitter in the first place. I find myself scrolling through Facebook even faster these days because I can feel myself getting annoyed/pissed at the “love your spouse” posts. Listen, I loved my spouse on AND off social media every fucking day and guess what? He still left. So, forgive me for being annoyed. I don’t mean anything personal; I’m just being honest. It’s the only way I am going to rebuild my life in a way that is healthy and whole.
And I don’t need people to comment about how “it must be nice to have been able to do all that you did this summer” in a tone that implies that I somehow don’t deserve it or that I am living some high life. I deserve to have a good summer because, quite frankly, I bust my ass most days. I work three jobs. Many people don’t know that. And they aren’t fluffy jobs. They take energy – physical, emotional, and mental. I don’t do it because I want to; I do it because I have to. I didn’t just lose a marriage; I lost financial security. Don’t judge me. Financial security is important.
I think my reason for sharing this is because I think it’s important to be authentic. I love writing this blog and sharing my story because the writing is healing. And the support is amazing. But I don’t want anyone to get the impression that I don’t still struggle. And hurt. And experience anger. I do. Often. I am just getting a lot better at processing it and moving on. And I am also getting really good at hiding it. But I don’t want to hide it all the time. That’s toxic. Today I was triggered by a phone call I had with an old friend and I cried off and on throughout dinner with my friend, K. I could have easily posted what I had originally written for today and nobody would have really known that tonight was rough. Or I could be authentic. I could admit that I struggle with my current life at times. That does NOT mean that I am not pretty damn happy most of the time. I am. I am happy a lot and I have some really great people in my life that contribute to that happiness. And having moments or hours of feeling sad/mad/bitter don’t take that happiness away. Those moments aren’t setbacks. Not really. They are stepping stones to healing. They are small tests of my strength, but also my courage. Because believe me when I say that it takes courage to allow those moments to take center stage, acknowledge them, process them, and then send them packing.
My hope is that when I show up in an authentic way, it will open up the space for others to do the same.